Emma1202's Weblog

The Second Heart Feeling February 25, 2013

Dear bloggers,

It’s raining heavily in Kuching.   Whole day, it was sunny and bright.  I prayed for this kind of weather for today.  Though I started with my day around 4ish this morning, I was demotivated doing the house chores.  After what happened last night, whatever I heard, I didn’t feel good at all. 

I keep telling myself, ‘Today is a new day. Past is past.’  I tried my best to go through this day in a fruitful way at work.  I didn’t talk much, except I needed to.  I also decided not to do more as I expected or assumed for my family.

The reason I say this is because I always become the ‘last person’ to know.  Mom seldom tells me first about anything.  The nearest example, just today, she went to private clinic with neighbor to get some medicine for dad.  Who took care of dad?  My cousin this afternoon.  I don’t mind if she wanted to do so, but at least let me be in the loop.  I felt like there was no point telling me what and what during the day. 

It’s always being like that.  Whenever someone gets sick enough, then told me.  There are many times I think, what if I was the last person to receive any bad news?  I hate being the first person and the last person to know about a bad news.   I don’t know how I am going to handle my guiltiness and anger.   When the time is getting worst, then call me.  Even, she won’t tell me anything until I use my instinct like what happened last December, when I was busy preparing to submit my thesis.  I was really worried.  I couldn’t do much.  I knew she tried to protect everyone at home but it’s not fair to me.  The more she makes me feel like this, the more I feel like I am not belonged here.  I am not needed at all in this house.  Now I know the true meaning of heart feeling.  It hurts more when it comes from my nearest person in life. 

Yes, I am a sensitive lady now. I am emotional.  Who doesn’t?  I try my best to differentiate my professional and personal life.  But I am only a human being.  There are times, I just cannot control myself. Furthermore, I work in counseling. So many family issues..that may hit my button. 

Oh Lord..Please help me. Please protect me. Guide me, Oh Allah. 

Dad is doing OK.  He does look skinny..lost a lot of weight.  Though he’s sick, he tries his best to smile.  Makes joke. That’s good of him.  And he never forgets to invite others to drink and have a meal at home.  He’s a typical Malay man.  I really hope he’s getting better..speed recovery.

I do realize I wasn’t cheerful when I got home this evening.  I had headache on my way to home.  I took a tablet. I know it’s not good for me.  I hope I am emotional because I have my menses today. 

Every day I am scared..I am trying to see the rationality when my dean and other friends remind me, I need to complete my thesis writing no matter what. Whatever happens, it’s God’s plan.  He takes care of it.  Leave mom who has her own illness and disabled sister at home with a very sick dad, please tell me, how to be rational.  How am I going to not think too much. 

I do admit, some friends out there, I delay their emails, texts..not like always.  Up to date.  I feel bad.  I neglect my own feeling about others too.  I may hurt others indirectly.  I just don’t know. 

What I need is a space for myself to breathe.  An unconditional support and love.  Don’t ask me how am I doing, how is my dad and family doing…and what should you do to ease me?  I don’t have the answer. I guess the most I need now is to feel ‘you are there’ for me.  It’s not only by saying, but by doing. Yeah, I know.  It’s so demanding of me saying this.  For those friends and family who are always there for me, I thank you from bottom of my heart. Though most of them are not here in Kuching, but I believe and feel that you are here with me.  What a miracle feeling.. Only God can pay all your kindness.

Ok then, I think I’d better sleep now. I know it’s still early. But I really need to rest. I hope to wake up tomorrow with a positive mind. I need to wake up at 4am. Take care and good night. Thank you for everything. Love always from me ~ Emma x. 

Hurt… February 24, 2013

Dear my bloggers,

I wish you well and every happiness.  As myself, not in a good condition at all.  I try my best to be strong in front of my family, esp my mom and dad.  Everything goes so wrong lately.  Everything is so hard.

I did mention in my previous blog about my dad’s health condition.  Today, he had another episode of confusion.  I took care of him almost the whole day today. It was not because it was Sunday, but I asked my mom to take a rest by pampering herself at hair salon and went to her friend’s house to socialize.  She needed those after almost forever taking care of my dad. 

Coincidentally, today I promised to cook spaghetti bolognese to our friend’s daughter.  Her birthday was last Monday and she asked me to cook. It was my pleasure to cook for a 7 year old girl.  So, my mom and 2 cousins spent time and enjoyed themselves at the house. 

My dad’s condition was not well at all today.  Even though, last night was really fine.  I took care of him last night. He didn’t make any noise or had any nightmares.  Yes, of course he woke a couple of time for pee pee and poo poo. That’s normal.  Started late afternoon, he was feverish.  The body temp was really high.  So I had to keep his body cooled down.  It was not an easy job when my father was not stable. 

I know, when someone’s sick, he says something without thinking.  Yes, my dad said something which really hurt me.  He asked for my mom and I told him that after the salon, she went to the friend’s house.  And he said, ‘So she wanted to show off her hair!’  I told him, ‘Please don’t say that about mom. She needs to rest after a long time didn’t pamper herself.’  I felt like I wanted to cry when dad said that. It was very sarcastic.  Just this morning, my mom mentioned about my aunt was being sarcastic to her as well.  Oh Lord…I believed that dad noticed the change of me. I didn’t talk so much to him.  Just did the nursing parts.  I felt like my whole afternoon was ruined.  How could he said that about mom?  Has he ever thought about her feeling?  She takes care of him, days and nights. Worry about him.  ‘Bullying’ her to do this and that.  Astagfiruallzim…I just tried my best not to cry and being emotional.  I know dad felt he said something wrong to me. 

Today, my sister didn’t have so much of mood swing, unless this evening when my mom was around.  And this evening too, dad was subconcious and felt so weak on his feet and couldn’t walk at all. Mom became ‘hysterical’ again.  I know she’s panic but please..don’t do this because we have experiences.  She needs to control herself.  Everyone’s scared. Me too!  

But, this evening, I overheard from my mom while I tried to help my dad.  Mom was talking to my aunt outside the room.  She said that I was being unkind to my disabled sister.  As if, I didn’t take care of my sister well.  As if that I wasn’t able to control my sister.  I overheard that my aunt said, ‘She might be too much pressure.’.  Yes, who can stand with all the out loud screaming every day?  Crying?  I couldn’t do anything at home.  Mom expected me to be at home 24/7 during weekends.  But it’s impossible.  I have my own life too. I have works I need to do.  She can be pissed off because I am not around but you don’t tell others about me. Talk to me.  Yes, lately when my sister acts out, I cannot stand at all. I can feel my BP shoots up easily.  She didn’t know that.  I have heavy headache, no one knows.  Even I am in my office, I try my best to do my works.  Focus.. but now I am neglecting my thesis writing. How do I supposed to feel about this? Does she know?  Does dad know?  I am trying my best to take care of 3 of them at once, and myself?  I cannot…I cannot do a lot of things at once.  I can see my routine has changed.  I wake up around 4am and prepare myself and breakfast for family.  I don’t have enough sleep, does she know?  I feel so alone in this situation.  I feel alone in this life.

I wish I had sibling who is there for me. Here I am, writing about this..sharing with you… I want someone to hear me out.  I want someone to listen to my tears.  Frankly speaking, I don’t know how to explain my feeling.  I am not good in this.  I tend to suppress the feeling until I cannot stand it anymore. 

Last Saturday, a friend called and asked me for coffee.  With a heavy ‘yes’, I went and spent time a bit with him.  He helped me to find some numbers for part time nurses.  He knows I need to complete my phd soon.  It is a good news for me, but not to mom and dad. Doubtful about stranger into the house. But, hey…I need help. I’ve been telling them to hire a house maid and nurse. But no…they refuse it so many times. See, what happened now?  I cannot handle all the things at home.  Just today, I realized, financially, it effects me too.  I don’t know whether I can stand with this kind of situation without proper help and understanding from parents. 

Oh Lord..please guide me. I don’t want to be a complainant.  I don’t want to be unhappy in my life.  People around me can see and pray for me. But they don’t know the exact situation I am now.  I don’t expect them to know but I need support and understanding especially from family. 

Every part of my body is aching.  I try to smile and be good to others.  The question is how long I could stand this situation and be genuine? 

I cannot handle hurt, anger, fear.. Too much for me, Oh Lord.   Please guide me. 

Another headache attack!  I need to sleep and good night. Love ~ Emma xx.