Peace vs. Angry May 31, 2012
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Dear my bloggers,
How’s your life treating you? I am doing fine though, I do feel that I am following my flows in doing my work. Good? May be. I always try to distract my mind from unnecessary things. But sometimes, I know I hardly avoid.
I feel my anger is building up inside. I don’t know whether it’s because of my phd..or other ‘stimulation’ makes me feel like this. I know, it’s not the environment makes me like this..I choose this kind of way of feeling. I know it’s me the problem. I don’t know how to ‘solve’ this problem yet. May be I need to find other ways to ‘cure’ my inner. Meditation is one way. I found a yoga place- the Brahma Kumaris in Kuching. Just few days I found the center in Kuching. I am thinking to go there and look for a simple plan of meditation. The question is can i commit?
Yesterday, I told someone- I know it was not a good way. I don’t know for how many times I’ve asked him this question. Again, he has refused. I immediately told him that, ‘It is your problem.’ I don’t know why I become so mean to him. But one thing I know is every time I talk with him, see him, think of him, on the spot, I flash back for what had happened in the past: what he did to me; what I did to him; what every single word he said to me; every good moment we had, every bad moment we had; and everything. I feel that everythis is bullshit!
I have this conflicting feeling. On one hand, I still feel that the trust is there, but on the other hand, all of these are based on lie. Every time I hear from his mouth, ‘is there anything he could help?’ I just feel angry. It never happens when I told him I needed his help before. And yet, he dares asking me this question. I feel the words from his mouth is meaningless. I wanted to believe..but I just cannot. I know, I can still trust him. I know he’s doing his part. May be I am expecting too much from him, am I? I don’t know..in my defense, I don’t think so. I am trying my best to avoid from him since something happened last time.
I always try to avoid talking with him. And the funny feeling is I feel that he’s avoiding me as well..for his own reason. I try my best to my work.
Yes, I am grateful for what I have. Praise to God. I am grateful that He listens to my prayers. What am I going to do about this matter? So many things…but one thing I know. I will try my best to keep my promise or something I’ve already started with him. Finish the worksoff soon, if possible. At the same time, i need to move on with my life. I know I cannot accept his lifestyle. May be I feel sorry for him so much. I want him to be happy. I don’t want him to feel miserable. He’s trying too hard. Sometime, I feel that he’s living not for himself, but for others. Getting approvals, acknowledgment from others. It’s a hard job when he knows he’s already doing excellent. It’s good to push over the limit..for ourselves, not for others. Others don’t matter about this. Only few people will take advantage on this behavior.
Oh well..that’s my story. I hope I am feeling much better. I need a peace of mind in finishing my writing. Please keep me in your prayers. May God always be with us. amin. This is what I want in life – I want to be happy.
Love ~Emma xx.
I Just Cannot Sleep Again…. May 30, 2012
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Hello my bloggers,
How are you? 
I know it’s too early- half past 2 in the morning. I tucked in very early and about half past 12, I woke up. I tried to sleep back but no, I couldn’t. Well, I think I did sleep in between, but not the real sleep. Now I am yawning and hope after this, able to fall asleep again. I need to wake up around 5,30am. I hope tomorrow morning I have full energy to crack on my work.
In the past 2 days, I was swamped with my psychological testings and report writings. Praise to God- everything’s done. And I found a great finding! and a worry though! As an academician and researcher and a PhD candidature, a nature of wondering hits me! I wish I could reveal my finding here, but I just need to protect the privacy of my test takers.
Anyway, I’d like to encourage new students out there, esp those who will step into university life, please balance your academic and your ‘selves’. No matter how outstanding you are in academic achievement, but your ‘selve’s are not performed well, I am afraid you will face a lot of problems in adjustment in your young adulthood stage of life.
Adjustments include social, cognitive, emotion, behavior, and interpersonal as well as intrapersonal. Implementation of 1Malaysia concept among Malaysians is a good idea by our PM. To be honest, I don’t like those people who condemn each other esp we are Malaysians. This is my personal opinion- I could see the concept of 1Malaysia is applicable when I was in abroad. I am blessed to meet Malaysians who are Indians, Chinese, Malays, and natives and we were so good and respect to each other. However, the scenario is pretty different when I was in Malaysia. So, I am the one who prefer peace in life. Happiness is my key. Yes, there are some issues that hardcore. But I am sure there are ways to solve the issues in a proper channel. Religion teaches us to talk and discuss. Religion teaches us to be good to each other. No religion teaches us bad things, right?
Learn this when we are still young. Though we are getting older like me…34…hehehe…I want to have a better life..good people around me…security…stability…and full blessings from everyone.
Ok then..I think it’s enough mumbling here. I hope tomorrow morning, I can finish my amendment for an article. I need to finish my writing! It’s a challenge. Prof Campbell gave me a tip..actually there is no writer’s block in writing as long as we focus on what we write. So, I am going to do this. Another Professor told me, I have so many idea and try to learn how to manage them. So, both of them are right. I need to be focus. It’s a challenge for me..and another challenge when i have another major responsibility at work! So, I need to balance them both! I cannot neglect my phd work. So far, I am doing good.
Please keep me in your prayers. My target to submit my first draft of thesis is in this coming September. For God’s willing. I hope to finish my analysis and chapter 4 by third week of June. So that I can present to my supervisory committee by end of June. Please keep me in your prayers. amenn….
Ok take care..love always from me ~ Emma xx.
Good morning all :D May 28, 2012
Posted by emma1202 in Diary of Life.Tags: Fall in love, Istanbul, Pantai Hospital, Turkey
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Hello my dear bloggers,
How are you? I am doing fine..still adjusting with my ‘new’ environment. Came back to Kuching and work. After a month, finally I got an office..my own office. Before I was at the post graduate office. Not so bad. Good experience, but of course it would be great to have my own space. Praise to God.
I used to tell a good friend when he saw my placement at the first place. His eyes looked me in a sorry-way. I told him, I am happy here and I am sure, I will get a better place soon. He wanted to give me his office, but I had to refuse for many reasons. One of them is my happiness. I know I sound so selfish, don’t I? And I believe you must be wondering what’s going on. I wish I could tell you all about this. But just that, I cannot do that due to my respect of him and my own personal life.
I am focusing on my phd now. Praise to God, I am done with my data. It’s time to analyze them one by one. Then, straight to writing stage. Today, I am going to finish up my report on a personality test where this is about my work. I know it’s hard to balance and I end up doing little for my phd. I am scared- oh yeah..! But like I said, I take one thing at a time.
Believe or not, after my trip to Turkey, presented my paper there..I came back to Kuching and resumed my experiment. I suffered with jetlag for the whole week. Plus I needed to work during day time. It’s not easy to undertake many things at once.
Ok then..time to rock on! Hope to finish my report before noon 
Take care and keep me in your prayers..God bless!
Love ~ Emma xx.
P.s: In the departure hall at Istanbul Airport to Malaysia, I met this guy. At first, I thought he was Japanese or Chinese from Mainland. hahahha… It turned up he’s Malay and at that moment, I fell in love! I love Chinese look. He’s a padeatrician at Pantai Hospital. We didn’t change number, or name even! Oh well..it was just a fling 
Hello there :) May 27, 2012
Posted by emma1202 in Diary of Life.Tags: Istanbul, Turkey, The Blue Mosque
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Praise to God May 2, 2012
Posted by emma1202 in Diary of Life.Tags: Istanbul, Izmir, Praise to God, Turkey
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Dear my bloggers
First of all, I’d like to show my gratitude to God for giving me such a blessing life. He knows my limitations, my weaknesses, and my worries! I pray for serenity and calm to face this life is a proper manner. Also, not forgetting you who always be there for me. Take your time to pray and ‘transfer’ me the positive energy so that I can be strong along the way. May God bless you all.
My parents are back. They are still not well but at least they rested in KL. My sister is getting well. I hope she will be ok soon. I hope she won’t show her tantrum again to my parents. When she was under my care, she could listen and follow. We bonded, definitely..but of course I’d like more than that. We went breakfast together at McDonald. Went to airport and had brunch there yesterday while waited for our parents. I wanted her to feel relax and experience the outdoor. I think last time she showed her tantrum in the public. It was not a good experience for my parents. I know it was just a short while taking care of her. But one thing I know, she needs to live her life fully. She deserves to be happy under her own skin. But the question now is, HOW? I wish I could help her. May be you or others could help her by suggesting me how to make her happy. She slept well every night. Before this, she slept late, unable to have full rest. It’s important for her to rest fully. When she cranks, directly my mom (esp) is disturbed too. Anyway, one thing I know, one day I need a psychiatric nurse and a maid in the house to help me run the house. May be when the time comes, the needs may change.
This morning, I managed to get to my office before 8 o’clock! This is good and I feel much better. I don’t like to come late to work. I feel that I wasted a lot of time. Yes, I do admit.. most of my works are undone and I need to get them done soon! So, I hope this morning I can do some and focus. No distractions, I hope.
My experiment goes well. I like the kids now. It’s true when people say about law of attraction. When we want to attract someone or something, think of ‘like’ in our head. The positive energy will transfer to the person or something towards us..in a good way. In other words, we pray. Words are prayers! Believe that! I try not to think bad word or bad picture of someone or something. Yes, I have a gift where I am good in my instinct. So, insticnt helps me to ‘not’ do anything stupid.
This coming Saturday, I’ll fly to KL. 2 days in KL to rest and take a break. I told my cousins that I need my apartment alone this weekend. I think I need to be alone! Not saying I don’t like people around me, but I just need to rejuvenate in my own way. On Monday morning, a very morning, I shall fly to Istanbul, Turkey to attend a conference and present my paper there. Well, it’s not in Istanbul, but in Izmir. It’s about 1 hour plus from Istanbul. I haven’t bought a ticket to Izmir yet. I tried yesterday, but I couldn’t go through the payment. So, I will be in Istanbul for one night. I wish there was someone came with me. One thing I want to see there is the blue mosque! I need to book a hotel in Istanbul soon too! Wow, so many things need to do! My thesis..my paper..my books…my …..my…… I have a long list! I wish I could manage them all. For God’s willing
Anyway, for those who are in Istanbul and you are an honest and sincere, I’d like to meet you. It’s not easy to travel alone, esp when you are a lady! A sexy lady… a cute lady…hahahhaha… I know..now I can smile..I can laugh…I need that. I think the trip will be a good trip for me. Who knows, that’s where I may meet my Mr Right. Oh Lord..please…show me to him. Bring him to me. Protect me from those men who have an evil eye. It’s not easy to be a single lady. That’s why there is an old folk say- “It’s easy to take care of a cow, than a daughter.”
Ok then..time to start my works! Thank you again and God bless us all!
Love ~ Emma xx.
It’s not easy… April 26, 2012
Posted by emma1202 in Diary of Life.Tags: Disabled sister
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Hello my dear bloggers
How are you doing? This morning, I wanted to do my work from home. After texting back and forth with my boss, he advised me to take 2 day of emergency leave. I feel worried to leave my disabled sister at home alone. Normally, she goes to Day Care at hospital. But since yesterday, she was unwell. So, I think I had to do something. The thing is our parents flew to KL. They went there for a family matter. But again, what a wrong timing..they both are unwell too. I just don’t know. Luckily my cousin was with them in the journey. And other cousins came and picked them up. Now, everyone is at my apartment in KL. Am I worried? Yes, I am! But what else I can do. I asked them yesterday whether they wanted to cancel their journey..but they insisted to go. I think it’s a good break for them too..take a break from taking care of my sister. I don’t mean it’s bad taking care of her..but they definitely need a break. It’s not easy..
So, I do understand for those who have a family member who needs a special care. It is a huge responsibility for everyone.
Today, I just spent time at home. Trying to do my works. but not productive at all. I feel tired..exhausted. I am tired due to my data collection and other works.
I know I need to be strong in this life. So many things occured and inside me, I do feel some dissatisfactions about things. I hope I can see the good things behind of these dissatisfactions. I cannot say much. In fact, I cannot do much. I don’t have the voice to voice out! I know I do have a voice.
Ok then..I need to prepare our dinner now. Just cook rice. For lunch, I cooked soup. It’s good for my sister’s flu and coughing. I hope her cough and flu recover soon. She has this habit. I hope she can control herself. but I know it’s hard for her. So i have to bear with it.
Please keep me in your prayers..and my sister too..and my parents too.. thank you and may God bless u all. Take care ~ Emma xx
Why People Like to be in a Miserable Situation? April 22, 2012
Posted by emma1202 in Diary of Life.Tags: manipulative person, miserable situation, unconditional love
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Dear my bloggers,
Howdy? I wish you well and happiness. It’s raining in Kuching. This weekend has been emotional. Well, I became so sensitive since last Monday. So many things happened.
As you know, I am confused about many things. I hear so many things. I need to know the truth. Friendship and relationship are based on trust. No one likes to be cheated and lied. I know some lies are meant to protect ourselves or others.
Yes, I know it’s time for me to move on. I don’t want to listen to others and my role is clear. I try not to involve myself in others’ problems, unless they ask for my help. Do I sound selfish?
I’ve learnt something about love. Some people, although they know they are in a bad relationship, they don’t want to get out from the problems or even solve the problem. I do feel guilty about this. I guess, some people love to be in miserable because they can feel who they are in that situation. Sad, doesn’t it? They deserve to have a better life. Life is so short. We don’t know when are we going to die, right?
I may not know the real reason. But in general, I have a theory- all of us deserve to be in a good life. I really feel hurt when someone who is really closed to me in this situation. Either he likes to be in a manipulative situation or not, but he seems OK with the situation. He doesn’t like people to know his feeling and his thought. Means he has inferioty complex issue. I feel sorry for him as others think him in a bad way. He keeps thinking he’s a bad person. And he doesn’t believe in himself. Yes, he believes in his works. But sadly, he doesn’t believe in himself. I hope one day, God will show him how worth he is in this world.. to himself. He’s a smart person. He’s successful. Can I say he depressed? I know I am nobody to tell him what is right or wrong. As friend, I just let him know that I am there for him. If he doesn’t have anyone who can he trusted in this life, I told him I am there. I think that’s the only thing I could do for him.
Yes, I do love him. He impacts my life. I am sad when he’s in this situation. Do I wish to help him? Yes, I do. But he doesn’t want me to help him. I cried and cried because the person who is closed to him hurt me a lot. He even couldn’t do much about this although he always says to me that he will protect me from whoever. From this, I know he chose to be in this miserable situation.
I don’t want to have this conversation with him anymore. I don’t want to talk about anything except about my works to him. He has enough problems. I asked him what actually he wants from me. He doesn’t want anything but he doesn’t want to let me go when I asked him to let me go. So I decided that ur next purpose in friendship or relationship is just a matter of work! I cannot do this anymore. For that reason too, he doesn’t like the idea. He wants us to be natural. He wants us to have what we had before. I don’t know whether I can do this. But at this time, I don’t think I can do this.
I hate to hear what the person says to others. I hate the looks from others. I hate the non verbal cues that others show to me when I am around and his around. I don’t like they think I get my easy life just because of him.
Oh Lord…please help me. Guide me. It’s a challenge for me. It’s a matter of who am I? The main question in my phd research. I wish he let me in his life and helps him. One thing I warned him, if ‘that person’ crosses the line again to me, hurt me again like that, I don’t hesitate to do something. Who else can protect myself, if I don’t do this. I just want to see how powerful and smart this person is. Please pray for me so that I have strength and good people around me. Even he apologized to me for so many times, but my instinct says ‘he is not the one should apologize.’ He might be the victim from the manipulation. I guess it’s hard to get out from manipulative situation. Well, it’s not true too. If we have the intention, we will do it.
I feel last week was wasted. I didn’t do much. I hope this week I can focus in my work. I hope to have some solutions to my own problems.
Please keep me in your prayers. I don’t like this feeling because I was disconnected with my rationality. Every time I talked about this, I cried. A gf told me, we are now 34 and she never sees me like this. It’s love, but not that kind of lover’s love. May be it could be a pure love. And the question is why he cannot see that?
Take care and have a great Sunday evening!
Love ~ Emma x.
Scent of a Woman April 19, 2012
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Hello my dearest bloggers
I wish you well and happiness. How’s everything? Time flies..day by day..I officially reported my duty at uni last Monday. I am still adjusting and adapting in a new environment. I hope I manage myself soon. It’s not easy to move to another place although I am back to my hometown. Things have changed. Improved system, new people.. etc.
I am studying still. I am in the midst of my experiment. I hope I can manage these two major tasks in my life. Please keep me in your good prayers.
At the same time, I am facing an emotinal roller coster. I don’t know how to share. It’s too complicated at the moment. I just don’t understand why this situation happen to me. Seriously. I am confused. Due to confusion, my worry was really high lately. Only this morning, I tried to see my life into perspective. I know it’s not worth to worry so much like this. But I am only a human being. I need to grieve for what happen. It’s too much for me.
I pray for good friends around me. From this situation, trust me..i learn the real meaning of true friend. I feel so hurt until I bursted out! I couldn’t stand it anymore.
So, this is the time I really need your good prayers. I am trying to cope and be resilient in this matter. Forgive me as I just cannot reveal what’s going in my life. But I know one thing, I need a good team to support me. Now, I feel that I am the only one in my team. I feel exhausted, to be honest. I feel like I am drowning.. but I do know one thing..if I move my feet, I won’t drown. I just need time to heal. And I hope my grieving will over soon!
It’s a hard time for me now. ..hard to explain in words. But I do hope things will be fine soon. amen
Love ~ Emma xx
Fraser’s Hill Trip March 16, 2012
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Hello my bloggers
Howdy? I wish you are well, joy and happiness.
I flew back to KL two nights ago. Was really exhausted esp my mind and soul. Really need to rejuvenate. So, I decided to drive up to Fraser’s Hill. The journey was ok this morning. I went with my aunt and her kids.
Ok then..will write more and please pray for me. Good thought and kind intention for you all
Love ~ Emma xx.
Emotionally Disturbed March 9, 2012
Posted by emma1202 in Diary of Life.Tags: Emotionally Disturbed
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Hello my dearest bloggers
How you doing? It’s been like almost 3 weeks I didn’t write anything. As usual. things are crazy at my end especially when I have to fly back and forth to Kuching-KL every week.
I feel grateful that my pilot in Miri went smooth and I obtained good values for validity and reliability of my two modules. Last week I started my first session, so called my pre-test too. I’ve analyzed the scale and randomized the group members. Today, I managed to see my boss and he asked me a very important question and praise to God, I managed to prove the homogeneity of my 3 groups by using one-way ANOVA. I thanked to him and also a friend in UPM. He helped me through phone this afternoon. Thanks guys!
I am blessed to have good and supportive people around me I don’t know how to pay them. Only God can do that, right?
Oh yeah, I am back to Kuching last night. My committee meeting has been postponed to another date. I feel that I need to take a break from flying. Hence, I feel that I need to be in KL this coming week. I just don’t know. My body just feels so exhausted. I need to recover from the tiredness.
I can feel that I become so sensitive and emotional. I don’t know whether it is because of my imbalance hormones or the stress? I feel that it’s not fair to people who are close to me. Really..it’s not me and I feel that it’s not fair. This is the time I feel that I want to live by myself but instead, I am surrounded by people who I love and care. At the same time, I feel I am scared of losing them. Oh Lord…
I don’t want to feel like this. I just talked to someone. He told me that I have a very dangerous underground bomb and easily to explore anytime. He doesn’t dare to push the button. I do notice that..especially with him..I just hardly to tolerate with him. I feel that I want him to follow my way…follow whatever I say..fulfill all my wishes and demands. As if he has to do that. I know it’s so irrational…and I know that. But my question now is WHY? What’s going on? I know I shouldn’t expect him to do so because he’s nobody to me. I mean, he’s someone special to me, but he’s not responsible on me. I asked him how to help me? He just says take a rest and sleep. I know he’s right. I know I need to rest. Yes, I know that! May be I should go to the nature. I think it’s better for me to take a 3 day break. My point is I don’t want him to be my punching bag. How can I solve this? Do you think I should stop seeing him temporarily? Do you think I should asking him for help? Do you think I should stop everything with him? Temporarily…not permanent. Until I can manage my own emotions and feelings, perhaps?
Ideally, if he is really patient towards me..he’s a catch! He says that he feels uncomfortable if he didn’t help me. Why does he have to feel uneasy whilts I am not his responsibility? That’s wrong, isn’t ? You might think that he loves me? Yeah..i know your answer. But I think it’s not the answer. I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable. If I was his special gf, at least, then it’s fine. We are just friend, not even exclusive. So, I do think I should just stop seeing him! I don’t know ! I wish I had someone to talk to about this matter. I hope it’s not the urge to settle down with him though because at the moment, I am not ready to settle down with anyone.
Anyway, I hope tomorrow turns OK, at least. I hope I manage to run my experiments with the 4 groups. amen. Please pray for me so that I am calm, in peace, and clear about my mind. I can feel my body is starting to become rebellious!
All right then, take care and have a great evening ahead. Please keep me in your positive and good thoughts. I really need that at this moment. I feel like I want to cry but it’s so hard to cry out! But it’s so easy for me to burst out! Please bear with me k I need my happiness, my smile, and my laugh back.
Love ~Emma xx.
