Insecurity

Oh Boy!

Good afternoon Malaysia

How are you doing?  I’ve been at work since this morning. Alhamdullillah, things are all right.  Not too ‘harsh’ for me. Though I have this insecured feeling. I am worried about my study, of course.  Anyway, I will report my duty tomorrow. Will teach and do my uni work for the time being. Been contacting experts in Malaysia. 

Talked with my big boss this morning. I am grateful that he always supports me. “I won’t let him and others down.” Just that this year, this phase of my life is down. Like Jay Sean’s song with someone’s else - Down.  

Oh Lord, guide me to the right way. 

I am facing my consequences now. The money. The most thing is I am fighting with is the time! 

With humble hearts, I pray that my others friend who are pursuing their phd and master will have smooth sailing.  Amen. As we know, it’s not easy. 

What I know now, I am in this huge ship, ‘bouncing’ ups and downs because of the huge waves. 

All right then, I need to pray. Take care all.  See you around.

Love ~ Emma xxx.

Resilient people’s characteristics.

Hey guys,

Can anyone out there, especially those who are expert in ‘resilience study/area’ or those who able to bounce-back and recover from almost anything (such as fear) tell me, how ‘has a wide comfort zone’ becomes one of the characteristics of resilient people? 

I keep asking myself here..well…I don’t have people around me at the moment..and few people around me doing this study, so, I need to ask my dearest bloggers.  Oh, I am stuck with this characteristic! I just don’t know how and..how this can be one of the characteristics?

Has a wide comfort zone is my thingie. I am scared. huhuh..I do have this habit and myself and family and friends really helps me.   Do you want to know other characteristics of resiliency?  I got these info from Neil (2006) in his paper, Psychological Resilience.

Here goes:-

Ability to bounce back and recover from almost anything (I think I am!)

Have a ‘where there’s will, there’s a way’ attitude (Yep)

Tendency to see problems as opportunities (Yep, that’s me!)

Ability to ‘hang tough’ which things are difficult (What does ‘hang tough’ mean?) 

Capacity for seeing small windows of opportunity and making the most of them (Yes,  I always do)

Have deep-rooted faith in a system of meaning ( I am working on this aspect)

Have a healthy social support network (Praise to God, I do have them. Thank you and I am so blessed). 

Has the wherewithal to competently handle most different kinds of situations (I am still learning to manage my $$$ and I do have other sources to help me- emotionally, physically, and spiritually)

Has a wide comfort zone (This is what I am asking….gggrrr.rrrrrrr….)

Able to recover from experiences in the panic zone or of a traumatic nature (This is tough, but I am trying to recover from the panic zone as my anxiety level keeps increasing since I stepped my feet in London!) 

So, my dearest bloggers…please ..help me… I am scared because I have this ‘comfort zone’. Even, in bed, I have my own comfort zone. Believe it or not!  I use a lot of self-therapy and meditation to help me be in dreamlands. Sometime, it’s tough though because anxiety is there.  People may not see this because I am blessed to have a smiley face that ’tells’ everyone I am OK and relaxed and not panicked.  Even though I am panicked inside.  However,  I don’t want to lose it my smiley face because I need my face in my life. LOL. 

p/s: Oh, it’s time for Sex and the city!  See, another comfort zone!!!!  Scary, isn’t it?

Love,

Emma xx.

In Penang

Dear my bloggers, How are you doing? Hope you are all right. I am fine, just tired. Flew to Penang this evening. The journey was not that smooth as we had some turbulance.  Glad nothing happened.  Oon and her mum fetched me up from the airport. Then we had nice teh tarik and tose rawang.  Don’t ask me what is that. But I know tose is one of Indian dishes.    yum yum yum..

Then three of us were off to Batu Feringghi where the conference I will attend tomorrow. Oh yeah, went to Penang to attend a conference. Relating to my phd. I hope to meet experts in my area, explores about resilience issues in Asia Pacific, and discuss with others. Hope to get insights from this conference.    I am so lucky to be accepted in this conference. Praise to God, as this conference is a closed conference.  First time, I heard about this kind of conference. I am wondering how the conference will be run.  I talked to the organiser and wondered whether they could accept me. Within 2 days, I got the answer via email from them and I want to use this opportunity to ‘wind up’ my phd research.

There was ‘panic’ situation during my checked-in.   The lady asked me for RM1000 for deposit.  The organiser didn’t say anything though.  She asked for credit card. LOL.  I am sorry- I don’t use credit card. She asked for cash. I said, I didn’t bring RM1000 cash with me.  Just few hundreds.  So, I paid with few hundreds.  Oh well, I hope tomorrow I ask the organiser.  Hope eveything is fine. 

To Oon and his mummy, thank you for always taking care of me.  Hug and kiss. May God bless you and your family. 

All right guys, I need to take my shower.  My back is hurting.   I can access internet from my room. So great!  So, hope  can do my work here. 

Take care and miss you all. 

Love,

Emma xx.

Crystal

Dear my beloved bloggers,

May all is fine.  I am still unwell.  Coughing.  Hope recover soon. 

Anyway,  last Tuesday, I went for heat massage. It was good, as always.  Then my massueus lent me a crystal.  He said it’s good for my energy. He asked me to touch the crystal with my thumb.  I am not an abstract person- I am more to systematic person.  I need something to guide me.  That’s me.  Hard for me to understand something vague, abstract.  So he lent me and asked me to bring it back whenever I am ready to. 

Now and then, I touch the crystal.  Then I remembered my loved one told me, “Get a crystal, and put on the shelf of your bed”.  I have this shelf above my head.    I don’t know. 

All right guys, may you have a great weekend.  Take care and till we meet again.

Love always from London ~ Emma xx.

Oh boy!

Hello everyone,

How are you guys doing this week? This week was totally suck for me! I didn’t do much at all.  I supposed to write and finish my chapters, unfortunately, I feel like lack of confidence to write.  I try my best to write. I need to have mood to write.  I feel like I have writer’s block this week.  I cannot deliver what I have inside my head now.  I feel so ’stucked’!  So many things I’ve done to boost my confidence- oh well, might be I didn’t do so much. 

I just had my hot long bath and pampered myself.  It was good.  Did my facial and I decided to write in my blog. It’s been for a week I didn’t write.  I need to get back my energy to write.   You know, I feel like I want to take a break.  Like take at least 2 months break from uni.   Can I do that?  If I do that, my target to complete my phd in 2010 will be delayed! Oh, what a nonsence talk!  I hope there is miracle in my life now. 

For those who are doing their PhD or have completed your study, do you have this moment? 

All right guys, I think I’d better refocus.  Please pray for me and for my success.  Oh Allah, please give me more strength and guide me to Your way of knowledge and truth.  Amin…

Take care all.  Hugs and kisses from me.

Love,

Emma xx.

Grey still but I am all right..

My dearest bloggers,

How are you feeling? Hope you guys are doing all right- wherever you are. 

This morning, I feel much better, even though still don’t have mood to talk.  I decided to stay at home. Here I am.  Had good breakfast (fried egg and baked beans- nyum nyum nyum), doing my laundry now, vacuumed my room and the bathroom (! LOL), openned the windows- the house is stink! Gosh!  It’s cold downstair- I think you know why.  hehehe…

All right guys, I better do my school work now. Take care and have a good weekend, in advance. I plan to cook chicken curry tomorrow.  My English mate craves for curry.  LOL.  Will see how it goes tomorrow. As for me, I crave for seafood pasta. nyum nyum..still looking for the simplest recipe on earth! Guys, if you have one, let me know k. 

Hugs and kisses from me.

Love,

Emma xx.

What a knackered day! -_-

Hi guys,

It’s been a long time I didn’t feel like I did yesterday.  I had a very long day.  Almost every hour, too many things happened at once.  I am not sure is it the age factor or what.  After came back from uni this evening, took my hot shower and went to bed for nearly 2-3 hours.  I was drained!  I remember the last time I had this kind of low energy level when I did my teaching, research, and later in the day, I had like 2-3 counseling sessions.  My brain just shut down that night! 

When I have this ‘moment’, normally, I just keep quiet, do my things and have my own space.  Lazy to talk, unless speak to someone that I loved, soothe and relax me.  I am still knackered though and hope tomorrow will be better. 

I turned on the music I like- Michael Buble CD, lighted the aromatic burner, turned off the light, and layed down.   I focused on my breathing and I did muscle relaxation.  It felt good and I could feel all the stresses went through my toes and fingers.  I am so blessed that I know how to do self-therapy myself. 

All right guys, time for me to get proper sleep. Hope will sleep and recharge my battery for tomorrow.  Take care and love always from me.

Love,

Emma xx.

Help me!!!!

Hi guys,

I am back tonight.  Help me!!!!!  Why? Since I came back, my energy is draining.  As I mentioned before about too many distractions..I couldn’t focus 100% with my PhD thingie.  This situation makes me feel worried and anxious. For instance, now I feel like to do the transcribing..but I am tired physically. I hope I can continue again. 

Tomorrow will be hectic again. From morning till night time.   Put in this way- family, uni, personal, family, family, family..huargh..I get paranoid..May be that’s why I am not married yet. I thank my loved one understands me and my situation. 

I hope I can find some ways to solve my problems.  I need to be ‘away’ for a while.  I remember something, to achieve something, we need to sacrifice something.  I don’t want to be selfish, but sometime I think I cannot fulfil everyone’s needs.  That’s for sure. I HAVE to do something.  I have to BE Type A Personality. hehehe..

Alright guys..it’s getting late.  Wanna to find some hotels for me to stay next week.  For those who are in penisular Malaysia, meet me there..don’t ask me out before 5pm.  If you know what I mean

Love always from Kuching~ Emma xx.

Data collection :)

Hi guys,

My life in Kuching is quite hectic.  Even now, I don’t know what to write in my blog.  I am not sure what’s going on with me. Since I came back, my focus with my phd thingie is distracted.  I need to refocus. 

Oh well, I started my data collection in Kuching today. So far so good. 

Anyway, I shall write again. Update my blog from time to time.  Will fly to KL on this Sunday.  Pray for me.

Till then, take care and good luck to me ;) hehehhe.. 

Love always from Kuching~ Emma xx.

Packing again…

Dear all,

Here am I again…another packing episode in my life in just for 2 weeks!  Hoping to finish packing by tomorrow night, then on Thursday will do house cleaning- sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing, etc. I love to do cleaning than cooking though..but when it comes everything on my shoulders, I feel exausted. 

The weather starts cooling again. I can feel my body resists to the temperature.  Yes, true..I will be home.  I really need to do some medical check-up and see my doctor back home. 

I hope everything goes fine when I am at home. Find my ways to continue my phd journey. Definitely, I will share my days with you all out there.  Please pray for me.  I feel that I am so far away my Creator.  Nauzubillah…

Alright guys..tiring after packed some of my clothes.  I am in my pink bed, writing this blog, and at the same time watching Channel Five- Mary Magdelina- sin or sinner.  Need to rest.

Take care all. Have a good night. Sweet dreams. Salam Ramadhan.

Love always~ Emma xx.