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Begging You for MH370…I DON’T LIKE TO SEE MOTHERS SUFFER.. March 29, 2014

Posted by emma1202 in Diary of Life.
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Dearest bloggers :)

I hope you are doing well. It’s Saturday, and I am still in KL and hoping so much to complete my thesis.  I need to touch up..still a lot though but I hope I can do this before my flight back to Kuching this coming Monday night.  I will take the last flight.

Few days ago, my exco asked whether I am free or not today. They need an exco to be at the hotel with the flight family members. According to him, it’s pretty quiet.  It means the family members and relatives are under control. Just that, he needs an exco to be with the volunteer.  I told him, I have my thesis going on and even other exco knows this too. So, I guess, I am OK.  I hope nothing happens today. If is it, then all of us will be there.  For God’s willing.

Today is the 22nd day after MH370 missing.  Ya Allah..please..guide us to MH370.  I am begging you, O Allah.  Yesterday, on my way home back, I burst-ed into tears because I just couldn’t imagine how all mothers of the passengers feel.  I can imagine it is the hardest feeling ever!  Please Ya Allah, I am begging you.  Forgive us.  Forgive all of us in this world.  Please make the rescue team’s mission goes very smoothly today.   Amin…   

Give the happiness for all mothers.  Please, Ya Allah. I used to say, may be at this time, although MH370 is found and no one survive, but at least we know what’s going on, that will be our best news…for all family members, friends..and especially to mothers and fathers.  It would be great news if there are survivors.  Ya Allah..we come back to you.  We accept and please Ya Allah..guide us to MH370 today. amin.  I beg for Your mercy, Ya Allah.

At least make all mothers happy. I don’t like to see mothers suffer, Ya Allah. 

Please hear me, Ya Allah…amin…

My dearest bloggers, let’s pray to our God.  This is the least we can do.  Thank you ~ Emma.

Remembering MH370 March 26, 2014

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Dear All,

I hope you are doing well and at the same time, keep praying for MH370..especially to all the MAS crews and passengers wherever they are and also to all family members of MH370. 

My heart really goes out to what happened.  Yes, of course everyone is trying to be positive. Everyone tries to be part of this mysterious situation.  I managed to be a counselor to the family members 3 weeks ago- few days after our PM announced MH370 disappeared. It was not easy for me as I had to fly to Kuala Lumpur.  This is one my limitations when there is something up in Peninsular Malaysia.  I try my best. Being one of executive members in an international counseling association, it is my responsibility to assist in whatever I could.  Though I was there for 3 days, volunteering from morning to evening, evening to midnight..just tried to be there for family members. Not only for them, but also to all caregivers, the staffs..everyone was overwhelming and hoping and be positive about what was going on around us.  I really thank to my team in Sarawak because they keep asking to be in the team. InsyaAllah, when the time comes, we can be together to assist.  There are many procedures and agreements between many parties.  I hope they can stand-by and be ready.  And I really think we need to have training in Kuching for any emergency situations occur.  We never know, though we keep praying…’Oh God..please protect us for all dangers..our country..please forgive us..show us to the right path to you..amen…’ 

A letter from a wife to her husband who is a steward in MH370 struck me just now.  It was painful reading every word of hers.  I can imagine if I could burst into tears while reading her letter.. what more her..apple of her eye..her life partner..their easy and hard times being together..gosh.. ‘Oh Allah..this whole situation is so huge for us to bear..Ya Allah..Please don’t let us go from your sight..Show us the light, Oh Allah..’ 

Although it’s bias as my father died last year end of July.  Thinking of my mom how hard she was to accept all the emptiness. But for her, this is OK because she knew her husband rests in peace.  But those who are uncertain..gosh..living in uncertain really makes our life sucks..  I cannot find any word to present this. 

To this wife..I don’t like to say ‘Be patient’ ..I don’t have any miracle words to comfort her and others.  I wish I just could be there next to her.  Whenever she or others need me, they know ‘I am there for them’.  I hated this word ‘Be Patient’ and I also disliked the word ‘Condolences’ or ‘Takziah’.  I still remembered when I just lost my dad, most everyone said that to me.  I know that was the only thing they could say.  But I am sorry, those words are even more painful that losing my dad.  I could feel my heart was sliced up with a very sharp knife when every time people said that to me.  

I was grateful when I was with the family members few weeks ago, God gave me strength when dealt with the family members.  Praise to God.  But after I got home, wow..the moment I stepped into my house, I was really drained emotionally and mentally.  When I flew back to Kuching, I still remember how drained I was on that Monday.  My brain couldn’t function..my heart felt so empty..I guess that was the moment I digested and recharged from this situation. 

This morning, I received a text from someone who I loved..well..I do still love him but due to many things happened between us..I just need to move on.  He wrote (in conclusion) he is sick.  I replied him I wish I could be there for him, but it is not easy for me to be next to him.  I can’t do much and I don’t know what I can do for him. My heart breaks every time when I cannot be him, especially at this time after what happened between us.  He replied after that, ‘Whatever past is past.Time is running fast. We don’t know what happen tomorrow, yang.  Appreciate our surrounding yang. With love…’.  Then, I didn’t reply him after that.

I realize I still think of his mistakes to me. Yes, I do have mistakes too.  Being away from him all the time and let so many open spaces and trusted him.  I hope I can just let go.  Yes, I am moving on. I try not to know more about him now.  Indeed it is the hardest thing when I have feeling still for him.  I know you just think ‘Just let go’.  Not easy my dear friends.  I need more time.  Heart breaks into pieces. Need to find special glue and sometime hard to find the little pieces too.  And back to MH370..I cannot imagine how much hard they can bear! 

All right then..let’s keep praying for everyone.  Be strong though it’s not easy. 

Love ~ Emma

 

 

Watch this youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8LFbVWNGiI

Learn To Be A Better Person February 17, 2014

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Hi all,

How’s your day?  My day started so-so.  Woke up a bit late this morning.  I had an appointment with a social worker and discussed about my sister’s welfare. Unfortunately, in Kuching, we still have limited facilities for my sister’s condition. She’s disabled..mentally.  There are tonnes of activities or programs for physical disabled.  I did ask about private occupational therapist.  I hope there is. My mom and I don’t know what to do with my sister.   What will happen to her if both of us were not around?  Ijust don’t know. I hope I can find something for her. She deserves to have a better life.  A better chance.  A better environment.  I hope when the time comes, we shall know. amen..

Today, my mom was a bit quiet.  Me too..I was really exhausted.  I was drained mentally.  I managed to complete my practicum guide book.  I hope my colleagues give comments for improvement. This week is our first semester.  One thing I know about mom  today was she was scared if our gardener took my dad’s mower tomorrow.  He texted my mom today and informed her that he and his friend will come over to trim our trees at the front yard.  I hope people play nice to my mom and myself too.  I am not ready to let go things as well. 

For so long, I went for walking this evening with my best friend. I didn’t change my clothes. So lazy..but this coming Wednesday, definitely, I want to change my outfit. We went to the Friendship Park (between Malaysia-China).  We walked 3 circles for 30 minutes. Not bad at all!  

I want to be a better person.  I want to keep in mind about others. Don’t hurt others using my status, power, and words especially.  I want to be fair.  I will try though it’s not possible, isn’t it?  It’s not easy to work with human beings. 

Ok..changing my topic..I feel like I want to tear my house down. Rebuild a new house..bigger than this.  Modern and contemporary.  I have this feeling in the last few days.  I don’t like this house and feel sorry that I live in this house.  I don’t know why. I feel we deserve to live in a new house.  So many things I want to do with this house.  I can’t wait no more.  If I had a magic wand, I shall do it.  I shall get myself a new car- well..my aim for car is Sonata by Hyundai.  I prefer the sportie one.  And get a family car for my mom and sister.  I want to provide better life for them!  I wish I had my late brother with me now. I was sure he knew better than me.  Oh gosh! I need to get out from this baby-thinking! :)

Everyday I learn new things.  I learn about human behavior. I meet people and I learn how to deal with them.  To be honest, I don’t like to deal with tough adults. To me, they are adult, they know how to take care of themselves.  But due to their intelligent, sometime they tend to manipulate others. Especially for those who know how to talk, know the big shots.  OK..I admit..I am still learning..so I am just a small fish.  But hey..don’t play around with small fish..they can be so observant..fast learner and wiser ;) 

Ok then.. I will try to sleep again..I was ready to bed around 9.  But I couldn’t sleep.  Mind is wandering. So I hope to sleep soon.  Planning to get up early to write. 

Take care and have a good night. Sweet dreams from Kuching. Love ~ Emma xx.

 

Happy Chap Goh Mei & Happy Valentine’s Day February 14, 2014

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Dear all,

Happy Chap Goh Mei! Happy Valentine’s Day! :D

This horsey year..it’s so good.. what a great year to start for Chinese. We all know Valentine’s Day is for lovers. Although the real meaning and history of Valentine’s Day is getting forgotten because Valentine’s Day has been commercialized for so long. While Chap Goh Mei is 15th day of Chinese New Year and it’s a day where single ladies throw this mandarin orange into a lake or river, and praying or wishing to meet Mr Right soon. That’s why I mentioned earlier that this horsey year is really good.

I took 4 days leave and planning to focus on my phd. However, so many things happen and emotionally, I can feel the clingy and dependency in my family to me. I don’t mind because I know this is my responsibility. Though I told them that I need these days for me, but I just wasn’t able to do so. I know it’s being unfair to me. I know I cannot write at home. My sister..I just..we just don’t know how to help her. It’s so much for us..esp to my mom. I hope soon we have some answers to help my sister. Amin..

Anyway, I just turned 36- 2 days ago! Happy Birthday to me! It was a quiet birthday though, but simple. My birthday eve, we went to dinner. We went to a Thai restaurant. It was a great time. Then whole day, I tried to do a bit of my work, but didn’t manage. Instead spent time with my mom in the morning. We went for breakfast. That night, my friends and I went for a movie and watched The Monkey King. A Chinese movie. It was good because I have the drama series- Journey to the West- full set! So I understood the movie well.

Every day, I pray to God. To give me strength. To give my mom’s strength. Good health to three of us. Before I went to dinner, my mom talked to me about my dad’s mowing machine. Our gardener wants to buy my dad’s mowing machine. I knew my mom felt reluctant, but sooner or later she needs to let go. So do I. On my birthday, I just realized I am not ready to let my dad’s stuffs..his car..though many people were asking about his car.. his clothes..his shoes..etc..No wonder I feel I don’t want to touch anything of his stuffs in this house yet. Because I am not ready! But my mom, so bold talked to me about giving away his stuffs. Gosh! My heart feels so hurt. I was a bit angry but never showed that. I guess this was my magic question to my mom, “Are you really ready to give away dad’s stuffs?” She started to cry. I started to cry. It was so painful. I told him, I don’t mind to let go the mowing machine. Because I know our gardener will use it for his work. He will take care of it as how my dad did. But other stuffs..not yet. Before I left, I told my mom, “Please don’t give my dad’s clothes yet. I am not ready.” I want to keep them. I know sooner of later, I have to give away. Just that, now..I don’t think these people will appreciate my dad’s stuffs. I don’t like if they don’t wear them..don’t appreciate them as we do..as I do! I know this is part of grieving. Not yet! I may sound selfish but this is me. Please give me time. It could be sooner..or later.

So my birthday… my mom couldn’t even wish me verbally. I understood. I am sure she and my dad always planned something for my birthday together. Now, she’s alone. It’s a hard time for her, as well me. This is my first year of birthday without my dad!

You know what, I still remember last year, my birthday, my dad wished me Happy Birthday. He sat on his bed and smiled to me. After breakfast, I accompanied him with my mom. It was simple yet meaningful. I went to work as usual. And in the evening, my friends wanted to celebrate with me. I still remember, I told my parents, esp my dad that I was going out with my friends for dinner. I still remember he was sitting at the verandah with his friends, laughing. Tried to be strong sitting and entertained his friends. He never failed to smile. Though he was really sick..after operation..he just never failed to smile! That is what I know about him.

So this year..I know it was hard for my mom. When I was driving to catch up with my friends, I called a friend. He’s going to umrah this Saturday. I knew I couldn’t simply talked to him about my real feeling. So, I told him I need his favor. When he’s doing his umrah, please pray for my mom. I know I have so many prayers I want him to pray for me. But at this point, I want my mom to be happy. I want my mom to find her happiness here and after. I don’t want to see her sad. It’s so much for her..and now my sister. Praise to God, he’s willing to mention my mom’s name at the Kaabah. I texted him my mom’s name. Oh Allah, please listen to my little voice. Please bring happiness to my mom. I want her to be happy.

Oh well..writing this blog..my tears just flowing like river…I feel that I cannot take care of my emotion and mind sometime, and how am I going to take care of my mom and sister? I really hope my phd ends soon..with flying color..I hope that I meet my man soon..accept me and my family..support me emotionally, mentally..and everything I need… I just feel my calling to settle down. Amin…

So..my love to my mom..my dad..my sis..family..friends..I hope we are always in His love and care..I believe in true love. Every day, I want to give my love away..I hope people around me feel my love to them…

till then..good night for now.. Love always ~ Emma xx.

Happy Horsey Year 2014 February 2, 2014

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Dear all,

How are you? It’s been forever I didn’t write or post anything in my own blog. Meant to write something early of January, but I didn’t manage too.  So many things happened in January. Just January.. recalling makes me feel scary. 

I have so many resolutions and objectives I want to achieve this year. Last year, 2013, was a challenging, traumatizing, and waking-up year for me.  Let me recap what happened last year.  In Dec 2012, my dad started to fall really sick.  He was admitted to the hospital after Xmas 2012.  Since then, our life was hospital-home-hospital-home-hospital and so on and so forth.  It was the saddest moment.  Though, I learned to be tougher inside out.  Not as ME in person, but as the youngest daughter in family!  I was hit emotionally and mentally with all the bad news from time to time.  Even so, I was still putting my hope so that my dad was recovered.  With all prayers from family, relatives, friends, colleagues, and everyone who knew us, we became stronger and stronger every day. 

New Year 2013- the eve and the morning- I was sitting next to my dad’s bed at the hospital and wished him and the other patients ‘Happy New Year’ with our smiles on our faces.  Though dad was sick, but he always put his smiles on his face whenever he looked at me. That really touched me.  That showed no matter what, I knew he wanted me to be with me.  I prayed so many times, “If anything happened to my parents, please let me be next to them.”   I was away in 20s until I was 33 year old from family, from my hometown, from my parents.  I knew it was really hard for them. Sacrificed their own feeling..how much they missed me when I was away. 

I was grateful I was with my dad until his last breathe.  I could see his smiling on his face.  I could see his tears although he was unconscious. I said to him ‘I LOVE HIM SO MUCH..I AM GOING TO MISS HIM SO MUCH..I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING’.  His doctor said he might hear us.   After I told him that, I could see his face was ‘relieved’. It might be my own perception in my head.  What I wanted to see and hear.  But one thing I know, he always loved me.  He passed on 30th July 2013.  Four days after his birthday.  We did celebrate his birthday- just us.  So many things I want to share. For God’s willing, I shall. 

The funny thing about 30th January..I was in my office.  Honestly, I have tonnes of works needed to complete. But on that day, Thursday, I told myself, ‘Hey, I cannot do my writing.  I cannot focus on my works. Let’s try reading!’  I did. I read two books! Of course, I selected the chapters.  I read about Love, Relationship, and Grieving and Bereavement from Corey’s new book. (Thanks Prof Corey for your book!) These are the topics related to my thesis.  Oh yeah, I haven’t submitted my thesis yet. 2013- I didn’t do much at all. But I did submit my notice for viva.  The complete set of thesis is the one I haven’t submitted.  I hope to do it soon. Really soon.  I cannot put on hold anymore.  Although it’s really painful to read my thesis about death, about grieving, about bereavement..I just need to move on. 

Anyway, about that Thursday, while reading, I was reminiscing Michot.  Michot died.  Michot always tried to be with me whenever I felt sad.  She was there..She tried to comfort me.  She was my cat.  I’ll share with you one day about Michot.  In between reminiscing all the great memories with Michot, suddenly, my memories with Dad were reminisced.  Deep in my unconscious mind, I want to reminisce my dad.  It’s just me not to think about him.  I know it’s in denial. May be I am still in denial stage. Who knows!? 

Ok then..I need to go.  I have a couple of houses to visit. My friend and my family’s houses.  I just wish to have my own time to write.  It’s not easy time at the moment, but I hope to have my own time to write about my life one day. I guess writing is my therapeutic way to move on.  Please bear with me and thank you so much for your support and love. 

Remember, I always love my readers. Love ~ Emma. 

 

Father of Father April 24, 2013

Posted by emma1202 in Diary of Life, Grieving and Bereavement.
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Hi my dearest bloggers,

How are you? Myself..not well.  Now and then I have headache.  Stress is increasing. And I just need to check my body from time to time. 

I am taking 3 day on leave actually but my mission didn’t achieve.  My mission was to rest.  Things got messier yesterday evening. I finally found the real evidence that my father is back smoking.  Of course he smokes behind us. To me, behind or in front of us, don’t matter. It effects his health. His lung and his breathing. 

What happened to me? I was really mad..in fact..I am still angry.  I didn’t talk to him at all today. I didn’t even step my foot in his room today.   I just cannot see his face because he lied to me. I confronted him.  He said the ash was from the past.  Gosh..am I that stupid?  I clean his room every week. I go to his room every day. That was his answer to me?

I know, people who addict, there are moments of relapse.  But please don’t do this to me.  He complains he doesn’t have appetite to eat and drink, headache..and I am sure due to smoking again.  The symptoms connect to each other. Gosh..tell me what should I do?  I cannot face him anymore. 

My feeling now is like..I want to run away.  I know I am not a good daughter.  I did ask my close friend to find me an apartment in Kuching after he came back from his business trip.  I just don’t care anymore.  I cannot do anything much.  Going out from my bedroom, means ‘Welcome to the reality’.  I am tired. I am really tired.  I am mentally exhausted. 

If he doesn’t want to get well, fine with me.  But don’t complain here and there. I don’t mind if he acted like a baby.  But being a hostile and be a bully to my mom, I cannot accept that.  Doctor has been warning us, if he doesn’t want to continue any treatment, then we have to accept and let it be. 

You know what, I just don’t believe this. I believe in effort. We just need to put our efforts on till the last resort. Till the last breathe.  But seems he doesn’t want to.  I feel like ‘what a minute?’  To be honest, no one likes to be lied.  No one likes to be manipulated.  No one likes to be a failure.  In me now, it’s everything under the sun.  What I want to do now is I want to run away.  Really..seriously.

I told a close friend..find me an apartment in Kuching, regardless it’s really expensive here.  I just need to have my own space so that I can think straight.  He says he will after his business trip.  I know he doesn’t like me doing this, but I just cannot stand even myself in this situation. 

That’s me now, dearest bloggers.  I feel cheated by my own father.  I can forgive him if he didn’t lie.  What a childish! If he prefers me not to be home so that he can do anything he wants in the house, say so.  I don’t mind to live outside and visit him every day and go home to my own place. 

Yes of course, I feel sorry for my mom.  My mom, too starts to tell me that what she wishes for. She wishes to have a one week off from this . She is tired.  She is the most tired person I’ve known.  She takes care of his husband and her disabled daughter by herself.  On top of that, she needs to take care of her own health.  Her husband doesn’t even consider that sometimes.  What else I can do? I just can offer her a foot massage.  I know she’s really stressed out than me.  She wishes to ‘run away’ but she cannot do that.  I wish I could run away, neither me, cannot do that.  No matter what, he is my mother’s husband.  No matter what, he is my father. 

Sad, doesn’t it?  Please tell me what else I can do?  I am really tired.  Tell me what should I do.  I want to have a home.. a peaceful and non-hostile home.  No sour face, no negative energy.  I just cannot do this anymore.. Please let me get out from this system for awhile and I’ll come back?  Please pray for us  ~ Love, Emma.

What a Frustrating Day April 3, 2013

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Dear my dearest bloggers :)

Let me smile :):):):):):):)

How are you doing?  I just need to smile to replace my frustration.  I told my close friends..’I am going to use my defense mechanisms to control myself and not to be upset.

Today was my dad’s medical check up with chest specialist.  As expected, his weight decreased drastically again.  Within a month, he lost at least 5 kg from 51 to 47kg! That’s the first frustration.  Frankly speaking, I just don’t like to see what I see every day when I get home from work.  He doesn’t eat well. According to him, he doesn’t have appetite to eat.  What to say more on drinking.  I keep pushing him to drink water.  But no.  I wish I was at home and taking care of him.  But I can’t just do that.  I need to go to work.  Frankly speaking, I feel guilty every time I step out from this house. I feel worry and what I can do is just PRAY.  I cannot do much. 

I feel sorry for my mom and sister actually. To be honest, there are many things fall onto my shoulders and I cannot tackle all of them.  I wish I had a magic wand and do everything at once.  I know it’s impossible. 

Ok, back to the frustration.  2nd frustration, from the CT Scan, results didn’t show any progress about his fluid around his left lung. Afraid the fluid has accumulated.  There is a word that the doctor used this morning- I just couldn’t recall.  My worry is getting higher and higher.  Good thing is CT Scan results didn’t show any tumor.   Not sure was it because of the fluid or scars cover the lung.  The doctors suspected my dad has the cancer.  But till now, they cannot prove it.  When the doctor said that, I feel relieved.  Good thing, isn’t it?  However, doctor says we need to do something after checked him.  He has the TB symptoms.  So, we’ve agreed to treat him via medication..TB medication.  Yes, of course there are many risks..many side effects.  I am so afraid but spiritually, I need to keep my father in my prayers.  One of my prayers, I want him to be strong. Fight for himself.  I feel tired of fighting by myself without a leader.  We try to accommodate his needs especially on his appetite.  But seems he doesn’t want to force himself.  To me, what’s the point to force someone? 

After the specialist clinic, we went to the TB clinic.  In Kuching, we have a special clinic for this.  So, we went there for registration and guess what? He almost passed out, short of breathe.  This is because he didn’t eat at all since this morning. Reason- he doesn’t have appetite.  He could just force himself to eat. Before we left from the specialist clinic, he took 10cc of blood.  He did the blood test. Can you imagine how his body work at that time? Oh Lord…luckily he didn’t pass out.  I saw his tears came out. He must be in pain but he forced himself not to tell us. See, can you see this? He rather forces himself to hold the pain, but not trying even to force himself to eat and drink.  How funny is that?  As his daughter, I am upset of his attitude.  It’s his own fault putting himself in this situation.  I feel that I don’t want to allow his behavior but my mom says just follow whatever he says. This is wrong, isn’t it?  I know it’s not nice to do so to my own father.  But what else I can do?  This is my thinking- what’s the point we go to see specialist when he doesn’t want to be cured? What’s the point taking all the meds and doesn’t eat them?  What’s the point spending time at the specialist clinic for hours and at the end of the day, he doesn’t want to follow what the doctor says?  What’s the point for these? To please me? To please my mom? To please the doctor?  What’s the point for him to get up from the bed and spend the time sitting on the wheelchair? What’s the point make himself suffering and pleasing us?  Whenever he sees the doctor, and whatever the doctor says to him, he just follows. But later he regrets and changes his mind and complains to us?  What’s the point? 

I am sorry venting myself like this.  One whole day, I just cannot think straight.  Praise to God though..I have received a couple good news for my works.  It’s good.  May my matters run smoothly. But frustrating because I cannot do my thesis writing today.  Really…every day my emotion is drained.  Every day, I try to use my defense mechanisms.  Every day, I try to push myself.  Every day, I try to hang in there. I am afraid I am not strong enough. Please keep me in your prayers. amin…

I don’t want to be a bad daughter.  I don’t want my father gets mad at me because I force him to eat and drink. I don’t want my father hates me and pisses of me.  I don’t want that. I want a happy family. I want a home-sweet-home.

I remember a friend told me recently. He says, he’s sure that he cannot do as I do now.  He says it’s too much and he understands my workloads, my work demands, family problems esp when someone or two family members are sick, and etc.  Honestly, I don’t have words to describe my life at present.  I am tired of explaining.  And last thing he says, ‘I guess, your home is not a home-sweet-home anymore’.  Which is true.  I am glad he helps me to see that. 

Ok then..too much of vents.  Please bear with me, my dearest bloggers out there.  I know I am strong because of your prayers for me and my family. I am here because you have faith in me.  I have my down moments.  If the down moments continues, I am not sure whether I am resilient enough.  It’s too much for me and I don’t want these down moments pull me so down till I cannot swim back to the surface and catch my breathe.  I believe my BP fluctuates, up and down.  It’s uncontrollable.  I guess I need to find a new hobby..at least an hour. 

Good night and have a great evening ahead. Love ~ Emma xx.

Life is just… March 31, 2013

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Hello my dearest bloggers :)

I wish you all well.  I know I know..it’s been awhile. 

Things are still rough at my end.  Every day is emotionally drained.  I am trying my best to put my face up and see my world in a positive way.

I try not to feel guilty whenever I step out from the house.  Interesting, doesn’t it? As always, to describe, to explain what happens, I fail to express what actually I feel.  I don’t have special sentence or at least a sentence to describe my life now. What I want is just keep quiet and do whatever I can.  I just need positive people around me.  Transferring me the positive energy really makes me alive. 

So, how’s everyone out there? 

I can’t wait to submit my thesis. It’s true when people say to me.. once you completed everything, it’s the beginning of your career life.  Amin…

Take care and love always from me ~ Emma xx.

The Second Heart Feeling February 25, 2013

Posted by emma1202 in Diary of Life, Grieving and Bereavement.
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Dear bloggers,

It’s raining heavily in Kuching.   Whole day, it was sunny and bright.  I prayed for this kind of weather for today.  Though I started with my day around 4ish this morning, I was demotivated doing the house chores.  After what happened last night, whatever I heard, I didn’t feel good at all. 

I keep telling myself, ‘Today is a new day. Past is past.’  I tried my best to go through this day in a fruitful way at work.  I didn’t talk much, except I needed to.  I also decided not to do more as I expected or assumed for my family.

The reason I say this is because I always become the ‘last person’ to know.  Mom seldom tells me first about anything.  The nearest example, just today, she went to private clinic with neighbor to get some medicine for dad.  Who took care of dad?  My cousin this afternoon.  I don’t mind if she wanted to do so, but at least let me be in the loop.  I felt like there was no point telling me what and what during the day. 

It’s always being like that.  Whenever someone gets sick enough, then told me.  There are many times I think, what if I was the last person to receive any bad news?  I hate being the first person and the last person to know about a bad news.   I don’t know how I am going to handle my guiltiness and anger.   When the time is getting worst, then call me.  Even, she won’t tell me anything until I use my instinct like what happened last December, when I was busy preparing to submit my thesis.  I was really worried.  I couldn’t do much.  I knew she tried to protect everyone at home but it’s not fair to me.  The more she makes me feel like this, the more I feel like I am not belonged here.  I am not needed at all in this house.  Now I know the true meaning of heart feeling.  It hurts more when it comes from my nearest person in life. 

Yes, I am a sensitive lady now. I am emotional.  Who doesn’t?  I try my best to differentiate my professional and personal life.  But I am only a human being.  There are times, I just cannot control myself. Furthermore, I work in counseling. So many family issues..that may hit my button. 

Oh Lord..Please help me. Please protect me. Guide me, Oh Allah. 

Dad is doing OK.  He does look skinny..lost a lot of weight.  Though he’s sick, he tries his best to smile.  Makes joke. That’s good of him.  And he never forgets to invite others to drink and have a meal at home.  He’s a typical Malay man.  I really hope he’s getting better..speed recovery.

I do realize I wasn’t cheerful when I got home this evening.  I had headache on my way to home.  I took a tablet. I know it’s not good for me.  I hope I am emotional because I have my menses today. 

Every day I am scared..I am trying to see the rationality when my dean and other friends remind me, I need to complete my thesis writing no matter what. Whatever happens, it’s God’s plan.  He takes care of it.  Leave mom who has her own illness and disabled sister at home with a very sick dad, please tell me, how to be rational.  How am I going to not think too much. 

I do admit, some friends out there, I delay their emails, texts..not like always.  Up to date.  I feel bad.  I neglect my own feeling about others too.  I may hurt others indirectly.  I just don’t know. 

What I need is a space for myself to breathe.  An unconditional support and love.  Don’t ask me how am I doing, how is my dad and family doing…and what should you do to ease me?  I don’t have the answer. I guess the most I need now is to feel ‘you are there’ for me.  It’s not only by saying, but by doing. Yeah, I know.  It’s so demanding of me saying this.  For those friends and family who are always there for me, I thank you from bottom of my heart. Though most of them are not here in Kuching, but I believe and feel that you are here with me.  What a miracle feeling.. Only God can pay all your kindness.

Ok then, I think I’d better sleep now. I know it’s still early. But I really need to rest. I hope to wake up tomorrow with a positive mind. I need to wake up at 4am. Take care and good night. Thank you for everything. Love always from me ~ Emma x. 

Hurt… February 24, 2013

Posted by emma1202 in Diary of Life, Grieving and Bereavement.
2 comments

Dear my bloggers,

I wish you well and every happiness.  As myself, not in a good condition at all.  I try my best to be strong in front of my family, esp my mom and dad.  Everything goes so wrong lately.  Everything is so hard.

I did mention in my previous blog about my dad’s health condition.  Today, he had another episode of confusion.  I took care of him almost the whole day today. It was not because it was Sunday, but I asked my mom to take a rest by pampering herself at hair salon and went to her friend’s house to socialize.  She needed those after almost forever taking care of my dad. 

Coincidentally, today I promised to cook spaghetti bolognese to our friend’s daughter.  Her birthday was last Monday and she asked me to cook. It was my pleasure to cook for a 7 year old girl.  So, my mom and 2 cousins spent time and enjoyed themselves at the house. 

My dad’s condition was not well at all today.  Even though, last night was really fine.  I took care of him last night. He didn’t make any noise or had any nightmares.  Yes, of course he woke a couple of time for pee pee and poo poo. That’s normal.  Started late afternoon, he was feverish.  The body temp was really high.  So I had to keep his body cooled down.  It was not an easy job when my father was not stable. 

I know, when someone’s sick, he says something without thinking.  Yes, my dad said something which really hurt me.  He asked for my mom and I told him that after the salon, she went to the friend’s house.  And he said, ‘So she wanted to show off her hair!’  I told him, ‘Please don’t say that about mom. She needs to rest after a long time didn’t pamper herself.’  I felt like I wanted to cry when dad said that. It was very sarcastic.  Just this morning, my mom mentioned about my aunt was being sarcastic to her as well.  Oh Lord…I believed that dad noticed the change of me. I didn’t talk so much to him.  Just did the nursing parts.  I felt like my whole afternoon was ruined.  How could he said that about mom?  Has he ever thought about her feeling?  She takes care of him, days and nights. Worry about him.  ‘Bullying’ her to do this and that.  Astagfiruallzim…I just tried my best not to cry and being emotional.  I know dad felt he said something wrong to me. 

Today, my sister didn’t have so much of mood swing, unless this evening when my mom was around.  And this evening too, dad was subconcious and felt so weak on his feet and couldn’t walk at all. Mom became ‘hysterical’ again.  I know she’s panic but please..don’t do this because we have experiences.  She needs to control herself.  Everyone’s scared. Me too!  

But, this evening, I overheard from my mom while I tried to help my dad.  Mom was talking to my aunt outside the room.  She said that I was being unkind to my disabled sister.  As if, I didn’t take care of my sister well.  As if that I wasn’t able to control my sister.  I overheard that my aunt said, ‘She might be too much pressure.’.  Yes, who can stand with all the out loud screaming every day?  Crying?  I couldn’t do anything at home.  Mom expected me to be at home 24/7 during weekends.  But it’s impossible.  I have my own life too. I have works I need to do.  She can be pissed off because I am not around but you don’t tell others about me. Talk to me.  Yes, lately when my sister acts out, I cannot stand at all. I can feel my BP shoots up easily.  She didn’t know that.  I have heavy headache, no one knows.  Even I am in my office, I try my best to do my works.  Focus.. but now I am neglecting my thesis writing. How do I supposed to feel about this? Does she know?  Does dad know?  I am trying my best to take care of 3 of them at once, and myself?  I cannot…I cannot do a lot of things at once.  I can see my routine has changed.  I wake up around 4am and prepare myself and breakfast for family.  I don’t have enough sleep, does she know?  I feel so alone in this situation.  I feel alone in this life.

I wish I had sibling who is there for me. Here I am, writing about this..sharing with you… I want someone to hear me out.  I want someone to listen to my tears.  Frankly speaking, I don’t know how to explain my feeling.  I am not good in this.  I tend to suppress the feeling until I cannot stand it anymore. 

Last Saturday, a friend called and asked me for coffee.  With a heavy ‘yes’, I went and spent time a bit with him.  He helped me to find some numbers for part time nurses.  He knows I need to complete my phd soon.  It is a good news for me, but not to mom and dad. Doubtful about stranger into the house. But, hey…I need help. I’ve been telling them to hire a house maid and nurse. But no…they refuse it so many times. See, what happened now?  I cannot handle all the things at home.  Just today, I realized, financially, it effects me too.  I don’t know whether I can stand with this kind of situation without proper help and understanding from parents. 

Oh Lord..please guide me. I don’t want to be a complainant.  I don’t want to be unhappy in my life.  People around me can see and pray for me. But they don’t know the exact situation I am now.  I don’t expect them to know but I need support and understanding especially from family. 

Every part of my body is aching.  I try to smile and be good to others.  The question is how long I could stand this situation and be genuine? 

I cannot handle hurt, anger, fear.. Too much for me, Oh Lord.   Please guide me. 

Another headache attack!  I need to sleep and good night. Love ~ Emma xx.

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